


Self-Preservation

by ClaireKat



Category: K (Anime), K Project
Genre: Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, One Shot, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 13:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4831055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireKat/pseuds/ClaireKat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Saruhiko struggles with a physical and mental transformation upon joining Scepter 4.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self-Preservation

**Author's Note:**

> I got a really sad prompt on my writing blog for Saruhiko and this is where I went with it. No real depictions of violence or anything but I guess trigger warnings for strong self hate and depression because there's definitely some heavy tones of those in here even if they aren't explicitly stated. I hope you enjoy!

Saruhiko slammed the door behind him with such force that it sent a reverberating shock through the walls as he entered his room. The air around him crackled and roiled with his blue aura; he cursed under his breath as he observed another ache throbbing from the tattoo across his collarbone.  He was tired, he was confused, and he wanted to get away…but he knew that no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to escape himself. He tossed the sword from his belt to the couch as he passed it on his way to the bathroom, hoping that perhaps splashing some water on his face might help to clear and cleanse his thoughts.

Just when he had gotten out, just when he was beginning to think that he might finally be able to displace himself from the infinite mess that comprised his life, these torturous thoughts returned to him. What had he ever done in his life, what had he done that was _so bad_ , so damnable for him to deserve this kind of torment? Maybe his life was just a cosmic joke that he needed to end, cut straight to the punchline so whoever was pulling these phony strings could have their last laugh and he could find some rest for once.

He slammed his glasses down on the counter, tugging his bangs out of his face as he twisted the faucet handle and coated his face in scalding liquid. The water burned against his skin, but its sting was nothing compared to the flaring pain echoing from the singed scar on his chest. He tore the fabric away from where it concealed the undeniable, embarrassing token of his past, grunting in rage as he noticed that the color still hadn’t faded. The heat from it only seemed to intensify, causing him to lurch forward, bracing against the counter to keep himself from collapsing to the floor.

He wanted to cry, he could feel the tears welling up inside him, but there was no way he was going to permit himself to succumb to that weakness. Gritting his teeth, he stood tall and tried to regain control of his riotous auras. What was going on? This had to be some kind of fluke, some unfortunate overlook that would solve itself in time. At least, that was all that he could hope for. Two auras battling it out for dominance in his body, both of them equally strong and enticing; Saruhiko’s body was simply the vessel, the battlefield for these opposing forces, and he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough at the present time to handle their vicious war.

He rested his forehead against his hand, leaning one hand against the counter before running his fingers through his messy locks. He gazed into the mirror with tired and slightly blurry eyes, grinding his teeth at the face that greeted him. What revealed itself, the face that Saruhiko perceived, was just another problem. It was just another mechanism in the machine that churned out nothing but heartache and suffering for him. This image had been persecuting him since he was born, since his conception, and hadn’t let him alone his whole life…he was beginning to understand that no matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t going to be able to shake it.

“Why…why did you have to do this to me? Why did you give me this laughable name, why did you have to brand me with this deplorable _face…?”_

He put his glasses back on, brushing his slightly damp bangs to the side as his shrewd, empty azure eyes examined the face of the man that he hated; the man that he _was_. Back there, in the room he had just made such a scene in, this was the face that he had been trying to escape. This was the face that had made his life a living Hell, the face of the person that had made Saruhiko question the worth and validity of his existence on more than one occasion. He was the person Saruhiko had been trying to escape from his entire life, the face of the person that he wished with all his heart he could banish, discard, and eliminate from this planet, from this plane of existence. He was the only person in the world that Saruhiko hated more than himself…and it was becoming abundantly clear to him that he was going to be stuck with this face his entire life.

He recalled the events that had transpired only a few moments ago. He had been having a pleasant conversation with the Captain, or at least as pleasant as it could be, trying to be on his best behavior in the face of his new King. He wasn’t entirely sold on the idea of being loyal to Scepter 4, but for now they had already offered him enough to claim his allegiance for the time being. It would be unwise for him to turn away from them before he had fully ascertained all that they could provide or do for him, all of the doors that they could open. They had given him a room, had started training him for a high ranking position, had offered him all of the instruction and other resources that they had at their disposal. So far, his life here was already starting to look more promising than the life he had made in HOMRA…but he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to maintain his sanity long enough to make this work, enough to convince them that he could be useful to them, or at least that he didn’t need to be locked up.

Someone had entered the room in the middle of the conversation; the last person that Saruhiko had ever expected might be aware of, or would much less enter, the Scepter 4 headquarters. The figure that approached him was the figure of the person that he despised more than anything in the entire world, and Saruhiko had reacted out of instinct, out of confusion and fear and self-preservation. He had drawn the hidden daggers from his sleeve and lunged at the intruder, tackling them to the ground before pressing two of his knives into the vulnerable flesh at their neck. The intruder had simply laughed, laughed loudly and manically in Saruhiko’s face, taunting him and reiterating just how worthless and pathetic he was. In the next moment Saruhiko’s arms were seized and he was drawn away, detached from the shaken victim he had assaulted.

Saruhiko hadn’t bothered struggling, knowing that even if he knew he could get away, it wouldn’t turn out too well in his favor. He dropped the knives from his fingers as he tried to regulate his wild breathing, shaking his head roughly to try and dislodge the heavy fog that had infected him. Finally regaining his level headedness, at least for the most part, his eyes returned to the unfortunate person he had just attacked. They were nothing now but another simple member of Scepter 4.

The Captain inquired directly if Saruhiko could really be trusted or was actually just a carefully placed pawn sent in by HOMRA to try and usurp Scepter 4 from within. Saruhiko straightened his hair a bit once his arms were released, gathering up the knives he had discarded before giving the Captain his full attention. With an entirely blank, straightforward face, he had guaranteed that what had happened was just an accident, a trick of the light that he had reacted too dramatically to; he swore that he would never let it happen again. And that was that. The Captain had dismissed him and Saruhiko had exited his office, sprinting back to his room the moment he knew he wouldn’t be watched or followed.

“If you were hoping to ruin my life, to rip it to shreds and make it impossible for me to put back together, even if I wanted to, you succeeded…Father,” Saruhiko spoke to himself, his thoughts brought back on the present. He wasn’t entirely sure if what he said, these words finally spoken out loud, were just as important for him to hear. A warning to himself.

He touched his thin cheeks, tugged on some of the limply hanging strands of his unkempt hair. He had to resolve himself to this fate and accept that if he wanted to succeed in this new place, wanted to try and maximize his experience and use what resources they were giving him to the best of his ability, he had to resolve his overwhelming inner turmoil. He had to accept that he was never going to be able to escape his father no matter what he did or how hard he tried. Perhaps if he wasn’t going to be able to escape him, he could turn his agonizing influence around, use it to his advantage.

Saruhiko had always been an adaptable person; this had originated as a survival tactic, but he was beginning to see this quality as an irreplaceable part of himself. If Saruhiko wanted to continue to survive _and_ thrive, adaptability was a requirement, and he would gladly capitalize on it if he had to. He had been abandoned more times than he could remember, he was completely alone, and he had come to terms with _that_ pretty well. If he was resilient enough to hold himself together despite all of the seclusion and disappointment in his life, surely he could turn this rage and pain around and make it something useful.

He rummaged around in the cabinet under the bathroom counter, pulling out a couple of hair products that were apparently provided in all of the suites in the Scepter 4 living quarters. Getting to work, he started to transform his look, to transform himself. If everyone expected him to be as cold and irritable and unfeeling as he seemed, who was he to disappoint them, to shatter their expectations? If they were going to assume things about him without bothering to ask, and then betray him, start spitting insults at him without consulting how _he_ might be affected by the situation at hand, he figured he might as well oblige their ideas about him…and that’s just what he planned to do.

The person that stared back at him in the mirror now was exactly the person that he hated most in the world. He was going to become that brash, apathetic, vexing person that everyone seemed to expect him to be. He would live up to those _endearing_ names that the people he had been blind enough to think cared about him had labeled him with: traitor, coward, rat, backstabber. He would live up to these names and more. He wouldn’t be the person that these people considered a spineless betrayer; he would become the person that they _feared._ These people would begin to cower in the face of just the idea of his retribution, and they would never consider trying to charm him with their empty promises and vows. He understood now just how _pure_ the intentions of people around him really were, and he would never allow himself to fall under their influence again.

He was his own person, and he would remain sequestered from the misleading masses as long as he lived. He would exist above them. He stared into the eyes of his father; the cunning, empty eyes that reflected back at him in the mirror through his newly styled fringe of hair. He could feel the auras inside him beginning to calm down, and despite a few flare ups every now and then, Saruhiko was determined to conquer them. He would master his unique abilities and perfect this alien personality. In joining Scepter 4, he would become a new person, a new threat to the world whose true purpose was simply this: self-preservation.


End file.
